Battling Weight Gain Amidst Mental Health Struggles: A Personal Journey

I have struggled a lot in my 37 years, you would not know it by looking at me though.

It all stems from my childhood trauma—years of emotional, physical, and mental abuse from everyone I was supposed to trust and depend on to help me live a happy and healthy childhood. People who were supposed to protect and love me always seemed to do the opposite. I was left to fend for myself and my siblings when I was far too young to do so. So, I learned incredibly early to never depend on anyone for anything.

I grew up feeling unloved, unimportant, and never good enough for anyone or anything or anyone. And this is where my best friend, anxiety comes into play.

Sparing you the graphic details of what my childhood was like, I can tell you that I live with PTSD & Anxiety. I hate taking medications for these afflictions as I find they always mess with my body somehow and my most recent bought was no different.

I felt incredible when I came home from my 4-week solo dream trip to Bali. I was filled with so much love and happiness, and I made some huge revelations & decisions while there.

When I got home and got over the jet lag it seemed like everything was changing too fast for me. All within a few short weeks I had quit my job which I had been at for over 5 years, found a new job in an industry that I had never worked in before, ended a situationship with a man who could not commit and of course, I had the post-vacation blues.

I also got an adorable new kitten who desperately needed a loving home.

I do not do well with huge changes; it takes me time to adjust and feel comfortable. That is why I always stayed in the relationships when they were long over or held on to the friends who never supported me.

All this change led me to what I like to call "my episode", I find it is easier to call it that as it makes people less uncomfortable. I started having frequent anxiety attacks and depressive moments which led me to a dark place.

I started ignoring texts, social media, and calls from friends. I was barely showering, I managed to make myself go to work and look presentable there, but I was no longer going to the gym or doing any of my normal outdoor activities, I felt like I was lost, there are no other words to explain it.

That much change all at once negatively affected me.

So, I decided I needed help, and for some reason instead of going back to therapy like I should have I decided to try some antidepressants that my doctor prescribed. HUGE MISTAKE!

I felt like a total zombie for 5 months, I had no emotions, I never cried once, and I barely felt anything else either. On top of all that not only did they make me feel lethargic, I stopped going to the gym, hiking, snowboarding, and any of the activities I used to do weekly, but they also caused me to have eczema on my face which I have never had before.

This of course led to weight gain with which I am now struggling. I am the heaviest I have ever been and even though everyone tells me they cannot see it, I can. I can see it in my face, the way it's puffier than it was and the double chin slowly coming in.

I can see it in my stomach and the rolls on my back and my sides. I can feel it when I try to bend over and struggle because of my stomach protruding or the rolls in my side bunching together. I struggle to catch my breath when I try to do up my snowboard bindings or try to hike up a hill (not even a mountain, a hill!)

These among other things have made it hard for me to love myself.

I have always struggled with self-love and confidence, but these last few years I have learned to take care of myself while enjoying my life too. I have been in therapy, listened to a lot of podcasts, and read a lot of self-help books that have helped me grow and learn to accept myself fully along the way, so this feels like a major setback for me and that is hard to deal with.

I am extremely hard on myself, so dealing with this has reopened some old wounds that I thought I had taken care of. The pressure I put on myself is almost indescribable. It is not healthy, and I know that it's why I am still in therapy and will be for the rest of my life. I am not ashamed of that. Sometimes a setback can feel like the end of the world, I know this because I have felt that.

Hell, I am feeling that way right now, I know it is not though. I know I just need to give myself grace and stop talking to myself so negatively. My weight does not define who I am as a person but it sure is making me feel insecure and uncomfortable.

So, this is my journey and I know I am not alone in these feelings and experiences, but I thought why not share it with others and have a safe space where you and I can work through things together?

See you soon xoxo