How Trauma Affects Me and My Body.

Understanding the Crushing Sensation and Constant Restlessness

I get the crushing sensation in my chest; you know the one where it feels like an elephant is standing on it and you can’t breathe? There are also times when I can’t seem to catch my breath and I am just sitting on the couch which then causes me to start panicking. I fidget constantly, can’t ever seem to sit still and the word relax? Ha, that doesn’t even fit into my vocabulary. I am trying to get better at this but it's so hard for me to just sit and do nothing and let my body take a break. I’m either on my phone, doing puzzles, or a huge one is that I am constantly organizing, cleaning, or decluttering. Downtime is hard for me. To-do lists are what keep my anxiety down. I always have at least 3 to-do lists on the go. I am currently working on letting these go but it’s not easy. My mind is constantly going and if I don’t write stuff down, I feel like I will forget it or I will keep going over it on repeat all night long. I also overthink everything! Every little text message or conversation I have I focus on and try to deconstruct its meanings. I also always go directly to the negative side of the comment or conversation. I am learning that when I do this I need to stop and ask myself what are my negative automatic thoughts about this and what evidence do I have that this is correct? What evidence do I have that it is wrong? Great advice from my therapist who has been helping me. You can’t beat the evidence when it’s there and there is always evidence one way or another. To be honest, it's usually evidence that my negative thoughts are wrong. Surprising right?   What can I say? I am a work in progress and will be for the rest of my life.

Living with the Fear of Losing Control: Anxious Anticipation and Navigating Relationship Struggles

I have the constant fear of losing control. The idea of me not having control causes me great anxiety. I am ALWAYS waiting for someone to reject me or my ideas, waiting to get fired or in trouble at work even though there is no reason for me to be fired or in trouble, waiting for friends to leave (which a lot of the time they do because they can’t handle my constant need for reassurance, and I don’t blame them).

This is also why I don’t date because I always think they are going to leave me, cheat on me, or hurt me in some way. I am an anxious-avoidant relationship style, so I need constant reassurance and I will admit I need attention because I never got any of that when I was a child.

I live with self-loathing, thinking I am not good enough for anyone or anything, not worthy enough to be loved by anyone. For example, I’ve been talking to a guy for almost 2 years now. He’s a great guy but I have these constant thoughts in my mind like “Why do they still talk to me? Why after all this time is he even keeping in contact with me? What does he see in me? I’m nothing special. He’ll get bored of me eventually or he’ll spend time with me and disappear after that. Or he’s only interested in me for sex (which I know sounds so fucked up because he doesn’t even live near me, so sex is not really on the table). The main question always in my brain though is “Why hasn’t he left yet? He’s way too good for me.”

Overcoming Fear and Building Trust: Breaking Down Emotional Barriers and Setting Boundaries

Trauma has made it so utterly hard for me to open my heart up fully to anyone. Friends included. They don’t understand why I am the way I am. It’s hard to comprehend and I understand that. It’s not easy being my friend, I’m not an easy person to deal with daily. I am constantly asking for help because of my inability to make decisions for myself. I need constant reassurance that I am picking the right outfit, and colours, or sending the right text. It’s a lot, I know I am a lot, and not everyone can handle that. This is also why I don’t date. I have a hard time believing anyone would A) want to be with me and B) want to stay with me and not end up cheating on me and/or leaving me. So, what’s the point? Why waste time and energy putting myself out there and sharing my story with someone who isn’t going to be around for very long? Because if I am being honest, they always leave. Or if they don’t leave, they abuse me in one way or another, treat me like garbage, and force me to leave because they have it too good. I took care of them; I used to pour my entire being into relationships. I would give them every drop I had from my own cup and never get anything in return to fill it back up and I continued to stay!!! I so desperately wanted to be loved by someone that I stayed with every time and let me beat me down emotionally and mentally. That’s all I ever wanted was to be unconditionally loved by someone and to be honest I don’t feel that I ever have had that from anyone in my life.

From Anxiety to Empowerment: Embracing Solo Adventures and Self-Confidence

Obviously, now I know this, and I see it and I think in the few times I have dated I am more aware of the red flags and have learned how to set boundaries. But that doesn’t mean relationships don’t scare the shit out of me. So, I stayed away from them and built a huge steel wall up around my heart so that no one could ever get in. This way I can’t get hurt, genius, right? My therapist seems to disagree ha-ha. Recently I allowed myself to open a little bit and this caused a little wall to come down. The experience I had made me realize that maybe there are still some good people out there. It’s given me the opportunity to see something I haven’t seen before with my own eyes and not through my friends. It’s also allowed me to open myself up to the idea of finding someone so that maybe I don’t have to choose to be alone for the rest of my life. It’s fucking scary and I am TERRIFIED of being hurt again!!! I am telling you I am scared to death to put myself out there again and try to trust someone, but I know it's all part of my healing journey and I need to be open to the possibility. I can’t keep hiding away and pushing people away, too many times I get scared, and instead of being open and honest about my feelings, I end up drinking and causing some sort of issue to push them away. It’s easier than having that conversation but now I am actually wanting to have those open and honest conversations because I have enough belief in myself that if thy can’t accept me for who I am then I don’t want them in my life. I would rather be open and honest with them than hide who I am and conform to who they want me to be. These past few years I have come out of my shell so much! I no longer live my life based on other people; I have my own opinions which I am not scared to share.

Sharing Struggles and Finding Support: The Power of Openness and Community

I used to be so anxious all the time thinking that people were always talking about me behind my back, that no one liked me, that they were just pretending to be my friends, and that everyone was constantly judging me. That was a horrible way to live. As you can probably tell it made my life miserable and it caused me to push a lot of people away. Now, I still struggle with that at times but not nearly as much. Now I travel alone, I go for dinners alone, movies, hiking, and paddleboarding. I do literally everything alone, If I want to do someone and no one wants to join me I will go alone, and I don’t give two shits what anyone thinks about me! I share my opinions and my mental health struggles openly and could care less if anyone judges me because I know the people who are in my life want to be in my life, not by force but because they understand me and support me. I still struggle with the thoughts of why sometimes, but they are there for me when I need them, and they always give me the reassurance I need without making me feel like I am a burden to them. I am so very lucky to be surrounded by the amazing people I am now. Every day I give thanks for the support of my friends.  The most amazing thing that has come out of me opening up and sharing my struggles on social media is the amount of love and support I have received from people I don’t even know. I get random messages occasionally from people who tell me how much I have inspired them to work on themselves, start therapy, and open up about their struggles. That was never my intention, I was using my platform to work through my own shit, and it was never intended to influence anyone else. But I love that I have been able to help others open themselves up to healing.

Embracing Imperfection and the Healing Journey: Therapy, Self-Care, and Self-Acceptance

I have had a few setbacks along the way, but I always get myself back on track and am constantly trying to be better and do better. I am in therapy twice a month, I read self-help books, I journal, listen to podcasts, and I do it all. I just want to be the best version of myself that I possibly can be and that’s not easy. I am not a perfect person and I make mistakes all the time. I am incredibly hard on myself, but I am also very self-aware of my issues and work hard on healing every day. I know my therapist would agree, am I stubborn? Hell yeah. Does she have to kick my ass occasionally and tell me to stop being childish? Of course, she does, but I can’t imagine a life without her. She has helped me grow and heal so much over the years. This is why I say everyone can benefit from therapy no matter what your background is.

Healing is a gift and we all deserve to experience it.